The Top Ways to Increase Your Chances of Dying Young
25 Nov 2013
Smoke a lot
This one’s a classic. With over 4,000 chemicals all teaming up to give you every form of cancer imaginable you’re taking at least 10 years off your life.
Eat lots of hamburgers
And preferably have them raw. There’s nothing like a solid influx of cholesterol and saturated fat to clog your veins.
Sit for more than 11 hours every day
By doing this you are actually increasing your chance of dying in the next three years by over 40 percent.
Go BASE Jumping on weekends
If you thought skydiving was dangerous then you’re still a rookie at this. BASE jumping has a fatality rate over 43 times higher.
Don't eat broccoli
Or any vegetable for that matter. They are full of vitamins and other good things that might counteract some of the destructive efforts we’ve already implemented.
Wrestle a polar bear
We don’t have any statistics on this one but we’re pretty sure it can’t be good for you.
Pig out on sugar
Besides going blind, having your arms and feet amputated, and getting all the blood in your body run through a filter three times a week diabetes can shave nearly 15 years off your life.
Visit Yakutsk, Russia in winter with nothing but a windbreaker and flip flops
It’s the coldest city on Earth with a population of over 100,000 people. Temperatures can reach -60 degrees Celsius (-80 degrees Fahrenheit).
Run with the bulls
Angry animals with horns chasing you down narrow streets sounds like a death wish to us.
Stress over everything
If it’s not a big deal, then make sure it’s a big deal…everything needs to be a big deal. High levels of stress can increase your risk of heart disease, diabetes, and even cancer.
Gorge on processed food late at night
Full of heart clogging fat and an army of impossible to pronounce chemicals, when combined with unnecessary stress processed foods are sure to hasten your demise.
Become a Navy Seal
Given their reputation it can come as a surprise that Navy SEALS don’t really die very often. Remember what we said about stress though? It kills you slowly.
In your offtime go be an Alaskan Crab fisherman
Often cited as the most dangerous job in the world, these guys die all the time. Icy waters, storms, 20 hours shifts, eternal darkness, and lots of moving parts are sure to take their toll.
Be a hermit
Numerous studies have shown that loneliness in old age is a quick way to destroy your health.
Never exercise…ever
Even a little bit of exercise every day has so many good health benefits that it would be best just to avoid it altogether.
Start a business in Russia without paying off the Mafia
Under most circumstances this is probably the least advisable thing you could ever do.
Try to steal Jackie Chan's lunch money
See how happy he looks in the picture? That is the exact opposite of the way he will look when he is in the process of shorting your life.
Use krokodil
This cheap Russian alternative to heroine rots your flesh from the inside out and the pictures coming out of Russia have not been pretty.
Move to Zhengzhou, China
This smog ridden city is the most polluted in the world. Combined with smoking…guaranteed lung cancer.
Now move to Ciudad Juarez, Mexico
If Zhengzhou doesn’t cut it for you then moving to the most dangerous place in the world outside of declared war zones will.
Go sunbathing on the White House Lawn
Between snipers, attack dogs, and other super advanced robotic anti sunbather weaponry this should be one of your last resorts.
Become a drug dealer in Chicago
With one of the highest levels of violent crime on Earth, Chicago’s gang and drug industry has an astronomically morbid turnover rate if you can follow.
Whatever you do never visit Japan…or the Mediterranean
Sure, the Mediterranean countries might get a bad rap for being lazy and just relaxing all day…but guess what? They live very, very long lives. This is absolutely not where you want to be.
Insult Kim Kong Il while visiting North Korea
This is more like it. If there is any place on Earth guaranteed to decrease your life expectancy, North Korea would certainly be a contender. Add a public insult to Kimmy Il and you can probably count the seconds you have left on one hand.
Greet all of your neighbors with: "What up, my nigga?" and you will be guaranteed dead within a week.
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